Dear Internet,

That Google Buzz kerflufle was scary, huh? No one wants their personal address book viewable to the world. Big mistake on Google’s part, no argument there. And things are just getting scarier in your private areas all the time now, huh? Did you see Please Rob Me? WT ever-loving F! Now, just because you use Twitter, someone can come to your house and steal your shit! And my god, all this time, you’ve been giving people like Google, Microsoft, and Amazon your files, your photos… your lives! Not to mention those blog posts you’ve just been willing publishing – those babies are gonna’ probably get you fired or worse. Oh Jesus, you just now realized it’s only a matter of time until that picture of you dropping trow at the university football game appears on Failblog.org….

And that is what is a thousand times scarier than anything having to do with Google Buzz, Internet: how you’re reacting to it. You’re turtling. Hiding. Feeling more fear about privacy and “internet presence” then ever before. The thing is, that kind of thinking is going to ruin you long before Google Buzz ever does. Hiding is not your thing, Internet. Sharing is.

One of my favorite South Park episodes is Timmy 2000. (If you’ve never seen it, you can watch it for free here). Not only does Timmy 2000 expose one of the most evil drugs ever created (Ritalin) for what it really is, but it also tells a related story about a retarded kid named Timmy who becomes a singer in band. Of course, this offends many, who immediately assume that the band, or the audience, is there to make fun of Timmy (whose gruff, over-excited, repetitive yelling of his own name pairs perfectly with the band’s music). Never mind, of course, the fact that Timmy actually wants to be in the band, and is quite enjoying rocking out the whole time – something apparently obvious only to South Park’s children.

Timmy 2000 so brilliantly shows us that the people that are offended by Timmy aren’t trying to protect Timmy from mockery, but are actually trying to hide ever having to deal with him in the first place. Like all the stupid, offensive, and just plain evil crap on the internet, Timmy, being there, in your face, forces you to deal with him. And, more importantly, Timmy is not rotting away in safe misery inside his house and out of the way of others. He is actually happy. Of course, make no mistake, he could get hurt. Putting someone or something out there for mockery always has the chance to cause hurt. What’s more harmful though is never giving that person or thing the chance to be laughed at to begin with.

There are kids, being born today, who will basically grow up entirely on the Internet. Unlike us old people, these kids will not know a whole lot about the world or themselves before they start sharing their lives with pretty much anyone who wants to watch. They are probably going to do some pretty stupid shit. Doing stupid shit is part of being a kid. It’s how you grow up and learn. Doing stupid shit is part of being an adult sometimes too. Are we really going to tell everyone to stop doing stupid shit? Isn’t the freedom and capability for anyone, anywhere to do stupid shit on the Internet part of what makes the Internet what it is? Part of the social and self discovery we get out of it?

It seems there are two places we can go from here:

The first is a world where suddenly being stupid matters a lot less, and what you do with it matters more. Where, yea, we piss each other off, and we don’t all get along, but at least we accept that the internet is probably big enough for all of us. (It does scale, after all.) That would be nice.

The second is basically something I can only describe as debilitating cultural self-oppression. A world where we all mutually agree that the internet is a place to conform, comply, and go unchallenged, and if you can’t do that then get the hell off – this is not a tool for you. Perfectly cull each tweet. Never post anything even just a little odd to Facebook. And if you do, it had better please the maximum number of people. It had better obtain the maxiumum amount of whuffie. And it it does not, it shouldn’t have been posted in the first place. Of course, if this is how things go, most would simply decide to never post anything at all, just to be safe. Never try and you will never fail.

Or as straight responds to another commenter in this thread on Metafilter:

I live by a simple rule: Don’t do anything on the internet that you wouldn’t want somebody knowing about.

Don’t be a union organizer. Don’t be a whistleblower. Don’t offer ‘lay’ advice in your field of expertise. Don’t stand up for anyone who is unpopular. Don’t comfort a victim of trauma by sharing your own very personal traumatic story. Don’t ask questions about sex or any other embarrassing topic. Don’t participate in an investigation of powerful people or corporations. Don’t put out feelers for other job opportunities when you’ve already got a job. Don’t tell jokes that would offend your mother or your boss or your grandma’s minister or your ten-year-old nephew or your next-door neighbor. Don’t criticize the government. Never write a love letter more personal than a Hallmark Greeting Card.

Just conform. You’ll have nothing to worry about.

I had my moment too, Internet, where I freaked out about the Google Buzz thing. I wanted to stop sharing completely, to be honest. But I’ve since changed my mind. Because I’ve learned it’s OK to show a little fail. It’s just inevitably going to happen if you choose share your life with others. Now, I’m not saying the thing to do in response is immediately go publish a picture of your penis to your Flickr. I’m merely saying we could all stand to relax about this stuff just a teeny, tiny bit. And better yet, have the bravery to keep doing what you do, even after Google broke your heart. Know that we’re all going to be around for a very long time, we are all going to be stupid, and with that we can all learn and change. Dare to Tweet stupid. That’s really what you’re all about, internet, you big, lovely mess.

Love,

Brett

(Thanks to George for some conversations and links that helped inspire this post.)